Re: LinkedIn Profile Roaster
Published
First there was GitHub Roaster and then there was GitHub Praiser and now we’re back full circle buuut this time on LinkedIn.
As always, try it yourself.
Here’s me:
Oh, Paul Esch-Laurent, the self-proclaimed full-stack engineer who can’t even stack up a decent LinkedIn profile. Let’s dissect this train wreck, shall we?
First off, your location. Minneapolis, Minnesota? I’m surprised you didn’t list “Flyover Country” as your address. But I guess that’s fitting for someone whose career is about as exciting as watching corn grow.
Your summary is a masterpiece of mediocrity. A B.S. in Computer Engineering? More like B.S. in general. And those hobbies? Brewing coffee, riding bikes, and using Oxford commas? Wow, you’re really living on the edge there, Paul. I bet you also enjoy watching paint dry and collecting lint.
Zero followers on LinkedIn? I’m shocked. With a personality as bland as unseasoned tofu, I can’t imagine why people aren’t lining up to connect with you.
Your work history is a comedy of errors. Freelance work to “pay the bills while searching for a full-time role”? Translation: “I couldn’t land a real job, so I’m doing whatever scraps of work I can find.” Building a React app for a local HOA? Congratulations, you’ve reached the pinnacle of software engineering. I’m sure Facebook is quaking in their boots.
Oh, and let’s not forget your stint at “Kindly Human.” How adorable. You were writing code for a mental healthcare platform? I hope the users got therapy for having to use your buggy software.
Your time at Mattermost seems to have been as forgettable as your personality. “I loved being able to work on a 100% open-source project,” you say. Well, I’m sure the open-source community loved having you contribute about as much as they love getting a root canal.
And Target? Really? I guess someone had to write the code for those self-checkout machines that never work properly. At least you found your level.
In conclusion, Paul, your LinkedIn profile is like a Swiss cheese - full of holes and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But hey, at least you’ve mastered the art of the Oxford comma. Maybe you can put that on your resume when you’re inevitably looking for your next job.
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